1. Bus drivers that do not shout at you for failing to give the precise fee do not allow you to practise your anger management skills, or give you an excuse to borrow change from complete strangers. (A few months ago a bus driver turned away my £5 note. I thought that was harsh until the woman queuing behind me was told off for handing over a £1 coin.)
2. Having only one pasty shop per high street as opposed to, oh, say, four or five, is just poor town planning. You’ve heard the expression ‘sex sells’? So do pasties. They don’t have sex in Cornwall, only pasties. Mmm, pasties.
3. A lack of doomed but defiantly stubborn independence movement makes other English counties seem like they have a self esteem problem. Crossing the border between Cornwall and Devon can lead to panic attacks, binge eating and shopping sprees. (You’re special too, Devon. We love you just as much as Cornwall. Actually come to think of it Devon, your cream teas are better. Good thing, what with the binge eating.)
4. Following nicely on, the non-Cornish cream teas that have the cream spread onto the scone before the jam might be better looking and for some reason more delicious but Cornish cream teas have alliteration. Take that, Devon.
5. No impossibly thin, winding roads banked with impossibly high hedgerows mean that when you are metres away from oncoming traffic on a single track road it is not a total surprise that normally ends with at least one car reversing into a hedge. This makes driving boring. And everyone likes surprises.
6. Going to a nightclub visited only by students and therefore not being hit/hit on by a drunken middle-aged man makes it very difficult to know when to go home. You might have to stay in the club until it closes: even if you’re too hot; even if you’re tired; even if your feet hurt.
7. An absence of out-of-use tin mines and museums dedicated to out-of-use tin mines is depressing. Picture the scene: it’s Saturday morning, you’ve worked hard all week, but there is a whole weekend stretching ahead of you without the possibility of visiting a tin mining museum. I know. I know. If you blink really rapidly for a minute you just might be able to hold back the tears.
8. It rains less in most other counties and that means you can’t complain as much. You might find yourself booking a holiday to Wales only so you have something to complain about.
9. Having lots of cities is much less fun than only having one city per county. After all, making decisions about where to go shopping wastes important shopping time.