A Day in the Life of a (Pretty Awesome) Girlfriend

9am: Wake up at Boyfriend’s house. Resist temptation to wake up Boyfriend. Read The Woman in White instead. Not as fun to be honest, but am more scared of my lecturer than freshly-woken Boyfriend.

10.50am: Boyfriend wakes up. Says something about looking forward to seeing the Olympics. Sulk about own lack of Olympic tickets, but in a very dignified, ‘happy for you’, good-girlfriend kind of way.

12.43pm: Finish reading The Woman in White. Can now focus all my energy on sulking.

12.45pm: Get up to find Boyfriend; no point sulking alone.

1.37pm: Still feeling especially sulky, but rescue Boyfriend’s shoe from his teething puppy anyway.

2.09pm: Boyfriend’s mum gives me Accessorize voucher as thanks for imminent puppy-sitting. Stop sulking. Start thinking about handbags.

2.33pm: Stop thinking about handbags.

2.38pm: Say goodbye to Boyfriend and Boyfriend’s parents. Promise to take good care of Puppy while they are at the Olympics.

2.38pm: Puppy is crying because Boyfriend’s family left him. Feel very sad for Puppy. Also feel very unpopular.

2.41pm: Take Puppy outside to cheer him up.

2.42pm: Puppy discovers that someone has left the sprinklers on. Should probably stop him but it’s so cute!

3.01pm: Oh dear. Puppy is soaking.

3.06pm: Puppy scampers into the greenhouse and tries to eat a watering can. Rescue watering can. Getting quite tired now.

3.10pm: Soggy Puppy has found that the greenhouse has the softest soil for digging. At first it looks like he is helping with the weeding. Then it looks like he is trying to find Australia.

3.19pm: Finally get a very muddy Puppy out of the greenhouse. Puppy wipes his paws all over my legs to express his displeasure. I can feel the sulk coming back.

3.30pm: Try to dry Puppy with a towel. Puppy doesn’t like it. Puppy bites.

3.31pm: Oh look I’m bleeding.

3.36pm: Puppy is asleep. Would sulk but am too tired and muddy.

3.55pm: Should probably turn off sprinklers.

4.10pm: Cannot for the life of me work out how to turn off the sprinklers. This is embarrassing.

4.15pm: Cannot work out how to switch the TV onto Sky. Have to phone Boyfriend for help. Am ashamed of myself.

4.47pm: Can hear an ice cream van. Boyfriend’s mum mentioned something about me making strawberry and balsamic vinegar ice cream. Feel that making ice cream is a less dangerous task than attempting to take the monster puppy on a walk.

5.42pm: Ice cream freezing nicely. Am surely culinary wizard and domestic goddess. And it’s egg free so Boyfriend can eat it without being violently sick! Hopefully.

5.59pm: Puppy is looking at me with a very mournful expression on his face. Realise in all of the ice cream excitement, I’ve forgotten to give him his dinner.

7.44pm: Just came back indoors after doing some weeding. White sofa is covered in muddy paw prints. Stupid sprinklers. Puppy looks guilty, and has pollen all over his nose.

9.02pm: Amazed by Bolt. The atmosphere in the stadium must be insane right now. So jealous of Boyfriend for being there! Would sulk but am feeling strangely patriotic. Puppy doesn’t like me jumping up and down and shouting at the TV though.

11.49pm: Think Puppy is sulking. Come home Boyfriend.

00.17am: Phew. Bedtime.

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