Gay Quiche and Lesbian Vampires

Earlier in the week I made the following promise: “As soon as I’m done writing about lesbian vampires I’ll do a gay quiche blog.” So here goes.

First of all, I’m sadly not in the process of writing a novel about vampires, lesbian or otherwise. I am clearly far more qualified to do so than she-who-shall-not-be-named, seeing as how I would not under any circumstance take a cool thing like a vampire and turn it into a depressing vegetarian stalker. And I can use basic punctuation. (Rick Polito reviewed Interview with the Vampire  by simply writing: “Tom Cruise is a soulless recluse who lurks in the darkness and sucks the life from all who come near him. He’s also in this movie about a vampire.” I wish he’d write something about Twilight.) Anyway, my foray into lesbian vampires was for a presentation I had to give in one of my English Literature seminars on Sheridan Le Fanu’s 1872 novella Carmilla, which is intelligent, creepy, sexy, and totally kicks Twilight‘s anemic arse.

As well as being able to get all nice and furious about the nineteenth-century’s treatment of women, homosexuality, and sexuality in general, the presentation meant I finally had an excuse to rant about how John Harvey Kellogg, co-inventor of Cornflakes, was a fan of  – for health reasons, dur – burning bits off women with carbolic acid. And by ‘bits’ I mean genitals. That box of Special K isn’t looking quite so special now is it ladies.

So as I was feeling especially angry about inequality (and freaking furious about cereal) it was the perfect timing for me to find College Humor’s hilarious discussion of both gay rights and breakfast. The message: allow gay marriage, or else gay men will marry your girlfriends.

My favourite moment of gay genius: “What do you make your girlfriend for breakfast? Burnt scrambled eggs? We will make her a quiche. A mother-fucking quiche. With a side of humous, made from scratch.” – Yes please, attractive gay man. That would simultaneously undermine Kellogg and everyone against gay marriage. And my god it sounds delicious.

‘Gay Men Will Marry Your Girlfriends’ rings so true that boyfriends across the world, advocates of gay marriage or not, are surely panicking.  After I’d watched it for the twentieth time and laughed so hard I was crying tears of pure joy, Boyfriend – who isn’t gay and is deeply allergic to eggs – offered to make me a quiche. Thank god for homosexuality.

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