Seeing as how I have a ten minute presentation, a 2000 word essay, a 3000 word essay, and an 8000 word dissertation to research and write, not to mention the terrifying task of getting myself a job for after I graduate, I thought it best that I give in to my inner ostrich and stick my head deep into the sandy safety of blogging. (Disclaimer: if any potential employer is reading this then you should know that the previous sentence is a joke firstly because ostriches don’t actually bury their heads in the sand and secondly because I work extremely hard and am very good at time management. So I’m hard working, organised and funny. And I know stuff about ostriches. Hire me.)
Not only have I been posting on here as often as I can between doing a (very difficult and clever) English Literature degree (hire me) and leaving the house every once in a while so I don’t go insane, but I have also fallen head-first straight through the sand of avoidance down into the rabbit hole world of fashion blogs.
It was really only a matter of time. Much like the person who liked both peanut butter and jam, as a blogger with a (totally healthy) shopping addiction, the sandwich of fashion and blogging was my destiny. I mean, I would be a great fashion blogger. I already blog, and I already buy a lot (ahem, I mean a totally healthy amount) of clothes. You may think that. But you would be wrong. Because my sandwich of passions would also have to include the environment, animals, politics, art, equality, and all things Tolkien – which might be tricky to work into a fashion blog. But mainly because being a fashion blogger is, from what I can tell, really freaking hard.
Firstly, you can’t just own the clothes. You have to wear them. You have to look good in them. And then you have to have photographic evidence of the above. That might not sound too difficult if you possess a camera and an abundance of self esteem. But these photos have to go on the internet. People are mean on the internet. You have to look good. Unless you are exceptionally naturally beautiful to the point where you neither need nor understand the concept of makeup it is highly unlikely that your everyday face is the face you wish to show the internet. (On a side note, isn’t it sad that we think our actual faces are a lesser version of our faces with foundation and eyeliner and mascara and blusher and god knows what else?) So you can’t just pull some nice clothes on, you have to do your face; which, unless you are a makeup artist, is a time-consuming process.
Skip forward an optimistic estimate of half an hour. Having improved your face, you realise that your everyday hair is probably unsuitable for the internet as well. At the very least you will need to wash it. Depending on your hair style drying, straightening, curling, and general styling will also be necessary. Unless you are a hairdresser or a greater woman than I, these things are also time-consuming, difficult and sometimes painful. (I once dropped my curling tongs and despite my normal lack of hand-eye coordination, managed to instinctually catch them. Big mistake.)
Fast forward an hour if your hair is as long as mine and if you are as useless with curling tongs as I am. Now that you’re wearing enough makeup to fool the good people of the internet into thinking that you don’t have pores, and have spent an hour making your hair look like you’ve stolen a L’Oreal model’s wig, you cannot simply photograph yourself in your bedroom. Oh no. You must go outside. There are two difficulties to this element of fashion blogging. Firstly, you have to go to a different beautiful or interesting location for every post, which is nice and all but only if you have decent means of transportation. Secondly, and I think more importantly, what you are wearing is likely to be extremely inappropriate for outdoors. For instance, I’m sure it has come to your attention, but right now it is winter in the Northern Hemisphere. It’s really freaking cold. I’m sat in my bedroom wearing three layers, a hat, a scarf, and a hot water bottle. You heard me: I’m wearing a hot water bottle (with a belt and a nonchalant smile). I even changed my hair from a centre to a side parting in an attempt to warm up my forehead. I look ridiculous. If I were to leave the house, I would probably prise myself away from my hot water bottle, but I would still look like a fatter version of myself attempting to drown in knitwear. If I put on a pretty dress and went outside I would soon turn a less-than-vogue shade of Tiffany blue.
For the sake of argument, let’s say that you manage to get outside in the freezing cold in your pretty dress and keep your hair from frizzing out of control and your makeup from steaming off your face in a cloud of your own breath. Now, you must look like you are not concerned about hypothermia and like you are either an ethereal fairy princess or really happy to be there. Again: tricky. I take my Urban Outfitters hat off to you, fashion bloggers of Britain, for smiling until your jaws ache despite the British weather.
And now that you have achieved all that, you take some photographs. Oh no wait, you need to drag a long-suffering friend along with you because you cannot take photographs of yourself skipping around in your pretty dress, trying not to look embarrassed, unless you have designed a tripod which locks onto your face like a missile thingy and swivels around ensuring that every photo is in focus. And speaking of focus, your long-suffering friend needs to be more than a human tripod: they must be good at taking photographs. And one of you preferably needs to be able to afford and use Photoshop.
So now you have some seriously lovely photos of yourself! The end! Oops, silly me: now that you’ve done all that, you need to write about your adventures to your cute location in your pretty dress. And presumably you need to lie about how cold and miserable you were and how much your feet hurt in those adorable but impractical shoe boots. You need to tell an apparently arbitrary precious little tale about your lovely day out whilst being as nice as pie and actually preferably mentioning pie, if not cake, and definitely tea.
And don’t get me wrong: some of you do this very well and pull off the whole cute and friendly thing effortlessly, to the point where it doesn’t seem like an act and I really do want to be your friend and come and eat cake with you. There are a select few fashion blogs which I love because of the bloggers as well as the clothes.
But sadly for many of you it’s unlikely that after a hard day fashion blogging you will feel like cracking a joke, or making a comment on women’s rights, or writing about the EU referendum, because all you will want to do is curl up in your bed in your onesie and check your toes for frostbite. There’s a slight risk that some of you might come across as being just a little bit vapid, which is ironic, because you’re so full of tea and cake. You have probably never heard of The Everywhereist. But my god, you look good.